Refelctions
by Witchytara25
Summary: Emily thinks about her time in Paris.


A/N: this is purely a one shot, not having anything to do with my other stories. I was just sitting here tonight, watching Criminal Minds and thinking about Emily's time in Paris while chasing Doyle. And still mourning the loss of Paget Brewster yet again. This is kinda dark, kinda fluff..ahh hell, I don't know what you'd call it. I don't even know if it makes any sense.

Criminal Minds doesn't belong to me. If it did, I would have my JEmily and my Morgan and Garcia together.

All you can think about is the lies. The lies that were told to keep everyone safe. The lies to protect everyone. Everything that has been done has made you colder. You lived in Paris; you fought the guy who was trying to kill the people that you called your family. Yet, the hardest thing was knowing the pain and suffering you were putting her through

She kept the secret. She never told anyone where you were. However, they didn't know about the calls, the nights when the loneliness ate you alive and all you wanted was to hear her voice. You held off for so long on calling her, yet one night, you broke down and dialed the familiar number.

_It was 2am and you couldn't sleep. Without thinking, you picked up the phone and dialed the one number and longed to hear her voice. You knew you were taking a risk, but the hell to risks, all you wanted was to hear the one persons' voice that could calm your fears._

"Hello?" a voice mumbled, sleepily.

"JJ?" you asked hesitantly, almost sorry you woke her up as you knew sleep was a rare thing in your world.

"Emily?" she said, sounding much more awake now. "What's wrong? Why are you calling? Is everything okay?"

"Well, despite the fact I'm two thousand miles away from everything I know and care about, despite the fact that people think I'm dead, I'm just wonderful."  
She chuckled at that. "You know, you're taking a chance on calling me."

"I don't care. I needed to hear a familiar voice. I'll be going soon, but I just had to call and talk to you." She paused and said softly, "I miss you."  
You close your eyes at that and smiled at your end of the phone. "How is everyone now that I'm dead?"

"Do you really want to know?"

You nod and then remember she can't see you. "Yeah, I think I do."

She tells you how Reid has finally stopped crying every night, but is quiet and withdrawn. How Garcia has lost the sparkle in her eyes, how Morgan still is blaming himself for your 'death.' How Hotch rarely smiles, to which you chuckle. "I think his face would crack if he smiled."

She chuckled again. "Rossi isn't the same either. He thinks he could have stopped you from sneaking out. That if he would have noticed, you'd still be here."  
You sigh and close your eyes, tears burning behind your eyes as you think of the pain that everyone has gone through because of you. How you wish you could have really died that night, because at least it would have been better than putting everyone through the pain of your 'death.'

You say softly, "How are you handling this?"

She paused for a long second and said honestly, "Keeping the secret is slowly killing me, but I understand why I have to do it. I wish I could tell them you were alive. It eats me alive everyday that I can't tell them that your still here." She paused for a second. "I really miss you."

I miss you too. I wish that I was there."

"You will be soon."

Those four words got you through so many lonely, tough times as you tracked him down and hunted Doyle like the animal he was. The days and nights you stalked him, made him your prey like he made you his, you did it for the sole purpose of getting back home to everyone you cared about, especially her. You figured out in Paris that you loved her, that you wanted to be with her. You welcomed sleep because you knew in your dreams you could be with her.

She was always on your mind. As you left one city and entered another, as the miles kept rolling on, you wondered if life was worth it. You always felt like giving up, but you never did. You knew that eventually you would be home where you belonged, with the people who were your family. However, when you fell asleep at night, the first thing you dreamt about was her. The way she looked at you, laughed, and the way she made you feel.

You remember calling her and telling her it was over, that Doyle was dead and you were on your way home. While you were scared shitless, you knew as it worth it when you rang her doorbell and she opened the door and saw you standing there. The bruises on your face, the split lip, you knew as soon as you saw her, everything that you went through while away was worth it. You knew no matter how many miles were between you, nothing would ever take your love away without her.

She wrapped you in a hug and it felt like coming home. You knew that she would shoulder the blame for this, that she would tell the team and take their anger and their frustration at being kept out of the loop for so long. You knew Reid would be upset, Morgan pissed, Rossi confused and Garcia would hug you and probably yell at you. What you didn't expect was how angry they would be at all of you for keeping this a secret.

You never wanted to hurt anyone. You were trying to protect them. You remember after you got back, going to her house, and breaking down into tears, wondering if coming back was worth it. She looked at you and said quietly, "Don't ever think that. Their mad and confused, but they'll get over it." You looked at her like she was insane and said, "Yeah, and they think it was a fucking picnic for me? For you and Hotch to lie about this for all these months? That I had to leave behind the people I love? The woma…." You paused at that and looked away.

She looked at you and wrapped her arms around you. You remember the night of Hailey's death, when the two of you were sitting in the waiting room and she looked so lost and confused and you took her hand into yours. You remember her looking over at you and those eyes, filled with tears as she tried to comprehend why this was happening. You remember the sheer terror you felt when you found out that Tobias had unleashed his dogs and she had to kill them. You remember her terror when you got hurt.

"Do they realize how lonely I was in Paris? That while, yes, I had to track a killer down; I was essentially off the grid? For all intents and purposes, Emily Prentiss was dead and I had to figure out who I was while I was on my own. Was I still the agent that worked undercover? Or was I the person who now profiled people?"

She stroked your hair and you closed your eyes as you continued to ramble on. She let you ramble before you finally fell silent, spent and talked out. She drew you closer and you laid your head on her shoulder, thinking how this is all you dreamed about all those months. Her arms around you, holding you, telling you everything would be okay. You knew then that you were in love with her, but yet, something then held you back.

That night, you slept on her couch while she sat up, watching over you, and you finally realized that you had come home. She stroked your hair while your head was in her lap and she looked down at you, saying softly, "I missed you, you know. I dreamt about you all the time while you were away, wondering if you were safe."

Your heart catches in your throat and you wonder if finally you can have the courage to tell her how you feel. She looks at you and smiles, placing a kiss against your forehead. "We'll talk in the morning, you need sleep."

As you drift off, you realize that this was all worth it.


End file.
